“I am thoroughly convinced the reason you married me is because I’m one person you think is right as often as you think you are.” That’s what my husband said to me yesterday after one of our sparring matches; we get into it, not necessarily fighting, but certainly arguing, at times to the point where we forget what we’re arguing about. It devolves into a matter of point-counterpoint. I don’t know when this started between us. It may have been our first real date; or, for all I know, even our first kiss was a battle of wills. To me, it’s just the way we kiss, and it’s just the way we talk.
He’s got me figured out. I do love that he’s up for the battle. I love that he doesn’t let me off the hook easily, even though I hate it just as much. And I love that, these days, we can spar without drawing blood. Our arguments eventually turn into laughter and hugs. Just as often, they turn into inspiration and clarity for me.
They used to turn into fights quite frequently. Voices elevated. Curse words appeared. Doors slammed. And then voices remained quiet. Far too quiet for far too long.
I can’t credit meditation with all of the improvements. We met at age 20; surely maturity has had something to do with our progress. But, the opportunity I have for self reflection through meditation has been a big part of me maturing. I can feel my body responding when I’m hurt and on defense. I know the heat in my cheeks and the firmness of my jaw. I know the intensity of my gaze.
Similarly, I can feel myself soften into an argument. I can feel it in my throat when I’m truly looking for a solution instead of a victory. While my angry tears are hot on my cheeks, my compassionate tears hover in my eyes before falling. Mostly, I can feel the gap in my thoughts when I’m arguing mindfully. There is no gap when I’m preparing to strike a blow.
With a busy few months ahead, I am in the perfect mindset to let arguments turn into fights. The gaps in my thoughts have gone the way of the gap in my thighs. It all happens quickly right now. I’m certain I will give in to the impulse to fight at some point. But less than I used to. Reid will keep me in check, but I will also check myself.
And that is why I meditate.
