Just last month, I wrote, “Perhaps I’ve simply fallen out of love. Perhaps I still love yoga so deeply that a separation is untenable and a reconciliation imminent.”
I knew it then. I wanted that blog post to be the bold statement of my retirement. But I knew I’d be takin’ this bitch back. I’m 13 days into my “pause before the full retirement announcement, just to make sure.” And, I’m sure.
I’m very much not retiring.
I still love everything about this practice. It is still life-affirming, relevant, awe-inspiring, dynamic, and I’m still really fucking good at teaching it. I was rolling around in burn out. I was wearing burn out like yesterday’s make up. I was eating burn out for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a late night snack. You get the idea.
I was tired. I named that feeling. Then I named a few others.
The strongest feeling was resentment. I was resentful of the way I’d been treated by my students in 2020, and I was extremely resentful of the way I’d been treated by other yoga teachers in 2020. I learned that resentment is a form of envy. And that’s when I realized I was actually just jealous.
I still want to teach yoga. My ambitions in that space aren’t gone. I just didn’t think I deserved to be ambitious for awhile. I was a mom, for one, and I felt that was ambitious enough. It is, by the way. It is entirely ambitious to want to be a good parent.
But, I think can hold that ambition along with others. I think. I haven’t tested it much yet. Here’s actually my first test. I’m going to state an ambition I have other than being a good parent.
I want to share yoga my way, and I want to do that in a big way.
Now comes the follow through. I’ve always thought I lacked follow through. As a mom, though, I’ve got follow through for days. Like, you’ll catch me up at 5:30am to home-bake bread and still up at 9:30pm to hand-make toys. You’ll catch me all in the research, deep in self-reflection, attending regular therapy, doing all the work, washing all the socks, and with energy to spare. I found my follow through when I found my biggest ambition.
I hope to apply that same energy to my other work.
I’m starting with returning to practice and meditation. I’ve meditated 40 minutes a day for 13 days now, which is a big step in the right direction.
There’s no next step right now. I’m just acknowledging how I feel, what I want, and what I’m willing to practice.
If you were to do those things, what would you say? Tell me. Name your feeling, state your ambition, and commit to your practice.